On lovely Manasota Key, Florida.
I have decided to open a disreputable establishment to pay off my pirate ransom and also allow me to stay here in Florida. Dedicated to the great American Jackalope, aka, Killer Bunny, I will be serving up good times, rum, other drinks, some food, and general debauchery. There will be (somewhat cramped) quarters for those who wish to sleep it off. I will need help, please let me know if you feel you are qualified for any of the following positions:
* Serving wench
* Bartender
* Photographer (to aid in blackmail schemes)
* Bouncer (will be needed only in extreme cases)
* Know-it-all
* Food prep person
* Fisher (to get the food)
* Guard animal(s)
* Musicians
* Constabulary briber (see photographer above)
* More as it occurs to me
The pay will be low but benefits excellent. Manchester United and City fans may be seated closest to the TV. Swords, truncheons, firearms, golf clubs, light sabers and the like must be left at the door.
There is a distinct possibility you may be carried away by pirates, no helping that.
All animals welcome and celebrated.
No dress code.
Apply below.
I would like to apply for the Bouncer position. I've always wanted to channel my (hidden)angst and (reigned in) obnoxious side. And of course hunky men go straight to the owner for approval in getting in.
ReplyDeleteHired!! Make sure to report for work looking suitably ferocious.
DeleteI am a shoe in for Knowitall. I am really surprise your HR department didn't scout me out.
ReplyDeleteWe didn't know to.
DeleteI'd like to be the pseudo-slutty musician who plies drinks and favours from rapt (and stupid) audience members.
ReplyDeleteI am also a part-time pirate. It's true. When I was on Champix to quit smoking 4 years ago I dreamt I got a job as a pirate on a pirate ship... I had to go out and get a pirate hair cut and wardrobe and everything!
DeleteHired!! Do you already have an outfit?
DeleteI could be a combined Photographer - Musician - Know It All :-))
ReplyDeleteHired! Perhaps find a parrot to sit on your shoulder?
DeleteI'm your cook as long as the fish isn't too fishy smelling. Come to think of it, I smell tuna (for real) at the moment. I'll only work though if there's free wifi. On second thought, I'd be better off with the animals.
ReplyDeleteThe animal position is for animals who might wish to serve by guarding the place. Dunno about the wifi.
DeleteIf you have something fetching to wear you can just hang around and add to the atmosphere.
DeleteMy animal print PJ's
DeleteDo you still have a vacancy for a food prep person? I love cooking so it would fit me...
ReplyDeleteYes! Hired!! Continental cuisine will be a real plus.
DeleteTwo things:
DeleteFirst, I volunteer to be the cranky and possibly pyscho old man who is there all the time and who everyone thinks someone else has invited. And I can back up lots of other jobs, kind of like a utility infielder.
Second, does anyone else remember the great hunt for the Basselope in the comic strip Bloom County?
And I would not worry too much about Pirates, these days. Check out some of the statistics posted online about Pirate activity by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
DeleteHired as cranky and probably psycho old man and jack-of-all-trades! You will also need to inform us about the Basselope hunt as I have only a vague recollection.
DeleteSeveral of my serving wenches wish to be carried off by pirates who resemble Johnny Depp. I've had at least one specific request. BUT I just looked up the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and see that my education is sorely lacking. You are further hired as Holy Humor advisor and instructor at double wages.
Thank you. If you find a large box on your bar's doorstep, with holes in it, it's me. Treat it accordingly. (Oh-oh). I can take no credit for the Flying Spaghetti Monster, It was pointed out to me by my then 23 year old son.
DeleteAs to the Basselope in Bloom County, the following is from Wikipedia.
Rosebud the Basselope was the world's last basselope (a cross between a basset hound and an antelope). The rest of the basselopes died of clogged arteries, as they liked lots of butter on their Pop-Tarts. Rosebud tried out for Steve Dallas's heavy metal rock band but was unsuccessful and ended up becoming an equipment carrier. After it was revealed that Rosebud was a female, it was discovered that Rosebud had had an affair with Hodge-Podge the jackrabbit, and was pregnant. Rosebud gave birth to 64 jackabasselopes who matured and left after a week. Rosebud made her first appearance while Milo and Opus were hunting for a beast that "easily devours fifty rhinos a day." Basselopes supposedly live extremely long lives due to "taking cold showers." Rosebud was part of three gag government weapon programs against the Soviet Union. One involved Rosebud launching a six megaton atomic bomb from between her antlers with a large rubber band. The second depicted Rosebud as the control system for a space weapon, described as "powered by twinkies, cheaper than a computer, somewhat slow reflexes but can hold [her] breath for six months or more." The third had Rosebud disguised as an old Russian woman and distributing American commercials, Dove Bars, Mickey Mouse clothing, and cheeseburgers.
Nope, can't follow that.
I Have resturant experience so recon I can handle being a serving wench.
ReplyDeleteHired!! Sorry to be late getting back to you. Find something fetching to wear. Black lace is very effective.
DeleteIs it too late to apply for the position of wench and/or guard animal? I like those. If taken, I'll just hang around and mooch, like any other Siamese.
ReplyDeleteHired!! We go through wenches fairly quickly. They tend to become enamored of the pirates and sail away with them.
DeleteRegarding this particular destination, I apply for Know-it-all. How lovely to find my childhood stomping grounds in your blog. xo
ReplyDelete( 10-54 negative 10-29 want or warrant) Maryjane